Three years

Three years. Three whole years, without you in the same world as us.

You are everywhere. Your advice and your words live in our heads. Your love, your shelter surrounds us in this house that is our home now. Your memories, your life is everywhere we turn, in photos and videos, in the things that surround us, in these roads and this city. Your values and your thoughts, live in the words you wrote, and live through us and in the persons we become. Thank you for everything Papa.

Miss you. May Allah bless you in that next life and may we be reunited in Jannah¹ inshaAllah.

Thanks for reading.

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FYI

¹Jannah. The Arabic word for Heaven and commonly used by Muslims.

All that we can endure.

I shared this on Facebook the other day. Tears poured down my face as I read it because isn't it our worst fears as parents to watch our babies sufferings? And yet what I couldn't stop thinking about as I read it, was the courage of the parents! Human strength is amazing and yet so scary at the same time. That we humans who imagine we would just not be able to live if our worst fears came true, are stronger than we think we are. It would be easier to not survive. It is scary as hell to live through the worst days of our lives, but somehow survive we do! It is not our weakness that scares me, it is our strength. It is the fact that we are able to endure so much more than we imagine.

My sisters and I talk about this sometimes, how it seems like those that are able to handle difficult times with a smile on their face and courage in their hearts, seem to get so much more to handle. But some things we cant understand, only that we are stronger than we think we are. And even when it seems like we just could not handle another personal battle, big or small, know that you really can. And also it is so true that if God brought you to it, He will get you through it. Find strength in the things around you, in your blessings and know that you can do it, one step at a time.

Also realized that we are totally unaware of all the challenges and trials still to cross our paths and maybe this time of our lives, safe and healthy in our homes, together with our family, might be looked back on as when all was well. More reason to cherish what we have and make the most of it.

Thanks for reading, lots of love.

My dad, the PAF, and a quick shadow frame to honor his life.

My dad was a proud aeronautical engineer in the Pakistan Air force and we grew up in those bases in all corners of the country. It was an amazing childhood full of all things that make it memorable and because of that, among many other things, the PAF holds a very special place in my heart.

The memory of my dad immaculately dressed in his uniform and looking so handsome is the first one that comes to mind most of the time when I think of him. And those shiny medals that were a part of it, continued to grow as we grew up. Of course it was not always happy, and I also remember his stressful times. I remember always knowing that being in the military, my dad would have to choose his country over us. But that itself was a huge source of pride for us.

All those years of being a part of the Air force family, the postings, the changing of schools, the excitement at each promotion my dad got, the houses that were home to us for a few years and which we had to say goodbye to ultimately, the friends we met and parted with at different bases, became such a huge part of us that we were more upset than Papa was when he retired suddenly.

And so out of all the things that belonged to my dad, and that we found hard to part with, some of the things we couldn't let go of, were his medals and uniforms. We all kept a few of these and I knew I wanted to display these somewhere to remind me of my father and the life he chose for himself and us.




Used adhesive velcro  (similar to this) to stick the items inside the shadow frame found at Marshalls.



Have you ever displayed treasured items using a shadow frame?

Thanks for reading and lots of love.

World Cancer Day

Today I think of my father and Bilal’s eldest sister, and the disease that took them away from us. I think of all the men, women and little kids that get diagnosed with this terrible disease every single day. I think of the families that get affected, that watch their loved ones go through the heartbreaking treatments, and the ones that have lost a loved one to it. I think of all the people that live in fear of it, and I hope. I hope for a cure. I pray and I hope.

For the ones that are fighting cancer, or have a loved one fighting it. For the ones that have lost family or a friend to it. You are not alone. And for the ones that have gone through the journey and are cancer-free now, you are truly brave and an inspiration to us all. May Allah bless us and our loved ones and keep us safe from life-altering diseases. Ameen

Please consider donating to Cancer research today. Let us all contribute in finding a cure and in helping save lives of those affected.

Thanks for reading and Much Love.

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If you’re not sure where to donate, here are two links,

The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Cancer Center in Seattle, Washington, is one of the leading cancer research institutes where scientists research the prevention, early detection and treatment of cancer.

The Shaukat Khanum Memorial Cancer Hospital and Research Centre in Lahore, Pakistan, is a state-of-the-art non-profit cancer research center and hospital.

Finding hope in times of grief.

picture by my sister, Waliya.

I can't begin to thank you enough for all the comments received when I shared the story about losing my daddy here last year. My sister and I have received messages from countless people who shared their own stories of loss. Some said they understood the pain, some asked for advice on dealing with their own tragedies. I wanted to share some of the things that gave strength and hope through our grief specially in the first year. 

When we go through a tragic time in our life and once the realization has set in, you need some kind of motivation to go on. You need some hope that you're not alone and that your heart will feel less broken someday. Here are some of the things that helped heal my broken heart a little bit at a time.

Faith

'To Him we belong and to Him is our final return' just said it all for me. And just reading these words makes it easier every time just like so many other verses from the Quran. They just put it all in perspective. That this life is not all we are striving for and we all must go one day, it's not such a big surprise is it! As well as knowing that God is all powerful and knows what is in the hearts of people, He knows cruelty, He is more fair than anything else, and the ones that have continuously tried to hurt us after Papa, thinking we are helpless, Allah knows.

Having faith that even when we doubt being able to smile or laugh again, Papa will want us to be happy and that he in in a much better place now iA. Believing that Papa will be proud of us knowing we stood on our feet and stood up for each other through this tragic time.

Believing that this had to happen, the way it happened, and when it happened and we could've done nothing to change even a small part of it. There will always be days when you go over it in your head, wishing for things to be different, but reminding yourself every time that it happened the way it was destined to. It breaks your heart a little less knowing that.

Family and Friends

taken by my sister, Waliya

My daughter was the biggest strength for me. And without her, I really don’t think I or my whole family would've been able to survive like we did. Babies have no idea of the enormity that has happened, and for them you have to continue to live. Just like you have to go on for the sake of your loved ones. We lost one of us, and it makes the rest of us that much more precious to each other. Anything can happen anytime and our families are our most important asset. With and for each other we slowly started smiling and laughing and finding strength because NO ONE understands this pain the way the four of us do.

I went through a phase where I found it hard to be around some of my friends. My relationship changed with some friends, and I made many new friends. Going through a tragedy is a hard time for your relationships. I had become a different person and my perspective on so many things just changed. I became more sensitive in certain ways. I tried to be around people that made me feel happy and tried to stay away from the ones that didn't understand my pain or expected me (or I got the feeling that they did) to just laugh and smile and be normal again. In retrospect, I have learned that loss and death is an uncomfortable subject for many people so talking to just anyone about it won't heal your heart.

I was also lucky to know friends that had experienced loss at some point in their lives and just being around them made me feel better and stronger. I talked about it here once. My network in Seattle helped me in many ways, the playdates, the coffee with friends, the normalcy of life despite it all, even though seemed pointless specially in those early days, made me get back to normal life little by little.

Music/Movies and Books

Songs I had listened to so many times before without feeling anything, made me weep like a crazy woman, because suddenly I felt like I could connect to them. Somewhere in that pain, it felt like I wasn't alone. So many people go through tragedies and it takes courage to put these into words, in art, in songs, in any kind of creative medium. And that inspired me or made it bittersweet. In some way it made it a little easier to feel the pain. Two favorites became, Without you by David Guetta and Pee Jaun by Farhan Ali Khan.

I read a lot of memoirs during this time, sad books, but all that spoke of hope and living through the challenges and tragedies that touch our lives. Some of my favorite became Two kisses for Maddy, Three weeks with my brother and The rules of inheritance.

I love reading inspiring words and have a collection of inspiring quotes on Good Reads and Pinterest, many of them bittersweet and sad, but inspiring at some level. Many of you follow my sister Waliya's page on Facebook where she combined many such beautiful sad words with her images to tell her story.

Writing, Art and Creativity

taken by Waliya

I got back to blogging in April of 2012, less than three months after my dad left. For me it became a place where I could find hope in that pain, share my thoughts and stories. All three of us sisters, have put our dad's life and the way he left us in words in one way or another. There is catharsis in writing and painting and art and in finding a way to express that pain. Waliya and I found a whole different meaning to our photography. We both chose to share our story with the people that followed our photography on Facebook and are immensely grateful for the love received through there.

For me, another thing that helped was keeping a little journal of my dad's memories. I find it heartbreaking that my dad wasn't able to experience being a grandfather, and that Anya will never know him. A friend gave me the idea to write down memories in a journal, and I try to jot down the most random-est of memories of my father. I can tell Anya all these little stories over the years about him, so even if she wont know him, she will know lots about him. And that makes me feel a little better.

Everyone’s recovery through grief is different and these are a few of the many things that have given me hope and strength. You also pass through different stages and each person’s journey is unique. If you have experienced tragedy and are struggling to stand up again, I hope some of this will give you some sort of encouragement.

Thanks for reading.