Love thy home

 Our home in Peshawer from ‘92-‘94

I grew up in tens of houses and apartments of all shapes and sizes in big and small cities and suburbs all over Pakistan. We loved each and every house that was a part of our story for the few years we lived in it and said goodbye to every house with tears in our eyes and lumps in our throats. I can distinctly remember standing in our empty rooms as our luggage was being loaded outside and noticing how sad our rooms looked without our stuff and our families living in it; and simultaneously remembering all that that particular home had meant to us.

My mom and us in our apartment in Kuwait right before our move back to Pakistan in ‘87

Our last visit to Pakistan was the first one where despite having the amazing time that she was having, Anya would say 'I miss my home', ‘I want to go home’, almost every single night before going to bed. And if Bilal and I are ever discussing future plans about moving houses or cities sometime, there is her persistent voice in the background that keeps telling us, 'Noo I like this home, I don’t want another home', ultimately leading Bilal to explain to her how people make a home really and that even if we moved to another house she would still have her own room just like this one and all of her stuff in it.

This connection Anya feels to her home though, makes me so happy. Each house that I lived in, small or big, new or old, fancy or not, was such an important part of my story and I would love for my daughter to feel the same way. The house we currently live in, is not what you would call a dream home; it is pretty tiny, it is dated, and it is far from what people would consider ideal. But flaws and all, we try to love it and make the most of it. It is easy to get drawn into what you see around yourself, it is easy to judge your home compared to the homes of those around you, it is easy to feel embarrassed of your space if it doesn’t fall into the league of those around you, but for our kids sake, I believe it’s important not to. I feel it is important to give our kids a pride in the place they live in. And the best way to do that is by living the example, appreciating what we have and making good of what we’ve been given. Even if in our hearts we are dreaming of another space, we should enjoy whatever time we have in our current home because really, at the end of the day a house is just that, a structure, a building. The memory-making, the fun, the laughter, the celebrations, the traditions, the love, all of that that happens in it, is just going to be the same in whichever place we call our home. 

(From top to bottom): Our family of 4 standing in the driveway of our house in Quetta from ‘87 – ‘89; My sister and I outside our home in Karachi in ‘92; The three of us outside our Peshawer home in ‘93. 

I have noticed young kids noticing and commenting on how big or fancy their own or their friends houses are or are not and find it a little odd. I would think it happens because of what they unconsciously pick up from their parents and their conversations and realized as parents our own insecurities can easily become our children’s if we’re not careful.

Just something on my mind that I wanted to share. What are your thoughts?

Thanks for reading and lots of love.

Our home in Sargodha in ‘99

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Also from earlier on the blog: How to love the place you call your home.

Scents and Memories.

There is a face wash that sits in my shower area. I bought it in 2008 when I was visiting my family for a few months in Karachi¹. That trip of mine was the last time all five of us were together as a family (the only time after that was when my dad was sick and in the hospital). This face wash, by Johnson's has a pretty typical light-powdery smell. And I just have to close my eyes as I lather it on my face, to be transported to that time all those years ago. I inhale the scent and I remember it all. Standing under the cold water in that small bathroom I shared with my sister on those typically Karachi hot summer days… The comfort of my parent's house knowing Mama and Papa were just around somewhere.. Going for walks with Mama in the evenings through the dusty Malir² roads and sitting outside on the road with Papa at night when the lights went out.. So many random memories go through my head as I close my eyes and let the scent carry me away.

There is a perfume, a men's perfume by Junaid Jamshaid that my mom got for Papa. During that time in the hospital, my dad always smelled of that, his things that all came back from the hospital after him, the clothes, his rumaal or handkerchiefs, my mom's pink and blue flower pillow that he used to lay his head on, his chaddar or long scarf that he used to wrap around himself, everything had that perfume and his scent in them. My parents gifted Bilal the same perfume a few years earlier and I'm glad that he never got round to using it much. Now it lies safe in a drawer under my bed. I can never smell that fragrance again without being reminded of my father, but also cancer, that hospital, the fear, the despair, and just a wrenching feeling in the heart, but yet also my father. So whenever I miss him, and want to feel his presence, I take this perfume out, and as my heart tugs at my soul, I slowly open it, close my eyes, and surround myself with him, his fragrance and the memories of the days when he was there.

Memory is a strange thing, how these precious moments are just a thought/ a whiff of a scent/a familiar song/ away, but yet, however much we want to relive them, too far beyond our grasp.

Please say a little prayer for my father and my family as you read this. Some days it is still hard, the realization that he’s not there.

Thanks for reading.

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FYI

¹Karachi, a coastal city located in the south, is the largest city of Pakistan.

²Malir, is a neighborhood of Karachi, where my parent’s lived.

On faith and our journeys.

Religion or Faith are issues that strike such heavy cords in our conversations and relationships. Each one of us wherever we are in our journeys in faith or not, consider it the only way to be. And as we get stronger in our beliefs, we also get closer to being judgmental and intolerant of other people's beliefs. This world and the Muslim world specially, is ever increasingly facing problems due to intolerance. In these days, there is no perfect way to follow any religion. When millions of people from different cultures and backgrounds consider themselves a part of one religion, they will bring their own understanding to it and we have to be respectful of that.

My sister and I were just remembering how a decade earlier, she was the one between the two of us who had stronger ideas about faith. She was studying the the Quran with tafseer¹ and passionate about understanding it better. A couple of things which she believed were important in her practice of religion were things I considered not very important then and we both would discuss it but stand our own ground. Now years later as we are in our own places with our faith., the same point came up in a conversation. This time I was inclined towards what she used to believe in then and she was where I was at all those years ago! And as we talked about how a person and his faith changes, she said something to the likes of 'I have learned never to judge anyone. Our Imaan (faith), is not constant, it changes, our beliefs change’.

I kept thinking of her words later on too. We never know our journeys, our life/faith/beliefs/us as humans, nothing stays the same. The things we face in our lives make our faith stronger and sometimes even weaker. We might be the reason someone turns towards faith or we might be the reason someone turns away from it. We won't and shouldn't be in the same place ten years from now. Life is a journey, not a destination, and so are our beliefs. We should make an effort towards learning and understanding more than anything, and if we’re not becoming a better person in our journey of faith, there is something lacking. I find it so interesting how Allah time and again mentions in the Quran how He dislikes arrogance and yet we notice it around us and in ourselves as we think we are becoming more ‘religious’. Lets try to pass on the good that we know and learn, but lets try not to judge, try not to think ourselves better than the other person. Who knows what journeys in faith are in store for us in the years to come.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Thanks for reading, lots of love.

Photo above by my sister Waliya Najib.

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FYI

¹Tafseer is a detailed commentary of the Quran. Many scholars have written their own detailed accounts. One favorite is by Muhammad Asad.

What lies within us

One of my favorite quotes is this one by Ralph Waldo Emerson, 'What lies behind us and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us'. We live in a world that places immense importance on outer appearances. We evaluate people by their outsides, by their jobs and their achievements, by the schools their children go to and their afterschool activities, by the clothes they wear and the brands they flaunt, by their homes and the areas they live in, and the list goes on and on. Good people lose their value and the strength of our characters loses its worth, because what we own, the image of ourselves that we show to the world, matters so much more.

When in fact, that is what we need to focus on, instead of striving for the next thing on our list, we need to spend at least as much time on our insides, on being better every single day, on learning from our mistakes, owning up our faults, and just improving our insides. The fact that none of this matters once we die, our worldly things and statuses. None of it. The only thing that will matter will be the kind of people we were. Not saying that our things and our achievements don’t mean anything, of course we all want a comfortable life but the problem is this never ending race that always shows us there is more to buy and more to achieve. It is just never ending. There is more to us than just our things and our achievements.

As Muslims also sometimes we are so focused on showing others how religious we are, on focusing on rituals and yet forgetting the core of our faith, which is to purify our hearts, to becoming better human beings, to learn from our mistakes and correcting them. Yet we are witnesses of the lies/corruption/fraud/injustice that happens in our own 'Muslim' country. I'll only talk of Pakistan as that is what I know. And this when our religion teaches us that Allah does not look at our outsides but at our heart and our intentions. That in front of Him we are all equal and only better than each other by our deeds.

As a start, let's look at ourselves past all the layers we show to the world, what our values are, what we believe in, what we've learned in life, the mistakes we’ve made. Let’s ask ourselves if we live our lives in a way that projects these values. And then everyday wake up with the promise to be better, better than your own self. Better than who you were yesterday. And make this your life long quest. As parents, each one of us has the added responsibility to give GOOD kids that will grow up to be GOOD adults, to the world. Let's give, if not more, as much importance to our kids insides as we give to their achievements.

Thanks for reading. Lots of love

All that we can endure.

I shared this on Facebook the other day. Tears poured down my face as I read it because isn't it our worst fears as parents to watch our babies sufferings? And yet what I couldn't stop thinking about as I read it, was the courage of the parents! Human strength is amazing and yet so scary at the same time. That we humans who imagine we would just not be able to live if our worst fears came true, are stronger than we think we are. It would be easier to not survive. It is scary as hell to live through the worst days of our lives, but somehow survive we do! It is not our weakness that scares me, it is our strength. It is the fact that we are able to endure so much more than we imagine.

My sisters and I talk about this sometimes, how it seems like those that are able to handle difficult times with a smile on their face and courage in their hearts, seem to get so much more to handle. But some things we cant understand, only that we are stronger than we think we are. And even when it seems like we just could not handle another personal battle, big or small, know that you really can. And also it is so true that if God brought you to it, He will get you through it. Find strength in the things around you, in your blessings and know that you can do it, one step at a time.

Also realized that we are totally unaware of all the challenges and trials still to cross our paths and maybe this time of our lives, safe and healthy in our homes, together with our family, might be looked back on as when all was well. More reason to cherish what we have and make the most of it.

Thanks for reading, lots of love.

On doing it all, or not.

‘How do you do it all’, I feel guilty sometimes when I get this comment as if I have some secret tips for that! When you follow a blog or updates on social media, you see pieces of their lives like their homes, their meals, the stuff they do with their children, ETC and it seems like they naturally manage all of it. But is there really any such thing? As doing it all? We all have the same hours in our days and investing our time and attention on some things means that some other things will get left out. That is how it is. For me it means that I let go of stuff like for example laundry that gets done once a week or sometimes even in two weeks, a house that desperately needs some detailed organizing and cleaning on most days, meals that could use better planning. Of course I could use trying better in those areas but I also I would rather use that time on other things that inspire me.

I believe that we all have our strengths and passions as moms and wives. Parts of our role that we’re really good at. But that means we might focus less of our attention on the things we don’t feel as passionate about. And that is perfectly fine. Because there is no such thing as a mom that does it all. Some of us love cooking but focus less on decorating our houses. Some take pride in keeping our houses absolutely clean but don't mind giving our kids prepared meals.That’s normal and instead of putting ourselves down on all that we aren't good at, or comparing ourselves to those around us that are 'better', we should remember our strengths.

I also believe that it is important to make time out for things you’re passionate about. Being too busy is not an excuse. Love yourself enough to live a passionate and inspired life, that comes with making time for what matters to you. I truly believe I wouldn’t be able to be a good mom if I didn't make time for my interests.

Think about it, take pride in the things you’re good at, and give yourself grace for the others. Get inspired but don’t compare. Be passionate and value yourself and your time. Do something just for yourself. Of course try to be better everyday, but know that you’re doing the best job you can. And I’ll say it again, there’s no such thing as doing it all:)

Thanks for reading and lots of love.

This DIS-connected life

Our generation still remembers what it was like before this technology revolution. We saw it happen in front of our eyes and remember how it was when our landlines were the main connection with anyone. We saw when the first cellphones came and slowly became a necessity. We only had our desktop computers, if at all, and remember the days before the interne! We have lived through it and have gone from living without any of this to being totally dependent on our gadgets. In many ways it is amazing obviously, I could not have been able to live so far from my family otherwise. I find myself better connected with so many of my old friends like never before. I just love it and am so thankful. But we cant ignore the other side of this too!

Sometimes I cant help imagining my mom’s life when she was at the stage I am in today. My parents had moved to Kuwait for a few years because of my dad’s work and my mom was a stay-at-home mom of two under 3. Their families were back in Pakistan and calling back home to talk to them was probably a once-a-week kind of thing, and that too for not much longer than some minutes. Letters were the main source of detailed communication. With no text messaging, Skype, Whatsapp, Cellphones, Social Media to interrupt her thoughts and attention every little while, her focus was us and she tried to take out time for her art and her writing whenever she was able to.

And I compare that to my life. The time difference means that the best time to talk to my family is either morning or night, and so I check my phone first thing when I wake up to make sure all is well. Since my father’s death, making sure they are okay everyday is even more essential for me. We’ll catch up a bit on Whatsapp, share pictures, and then I’ll check my notifications from the couple social medias that I am active on. I am guilty of doing this as I make breakfast and even though I try to put my phone down as we eat, many times the notifications from my phone will take me away from the moment and I'll get to it to reply. Often I don’t realize my daughter is talking to me as I am busy with my phone and I have to force myself to look at her. Later on if I visualize this scene in my head, it is the saddest thing. My daughter telling me something excitedly, and me not even acknowledging as I am distracted with my phone. Of course it is normal sometimes, there is so much multitasking going on in a mom’s life, but when it starts becoming more routine, some thing is not right. It feels like we are losing those moments where we are fully present, mind and body, and enjoying the ones around us, and enjoying what we’re doing. It's like we are constantly living our lives in disconnect.

I have been thinking of this for a while and it is hard for me to write some of these things, but I look around me and I see many others doing the same. Its not even something we notice most of the time. It is becoming the common way for us to live our lives. Even though I cannot cut myself away from my phone, I really think we need to evaluate ourselves and be able to disconnect, physically and mentally and enjoy the moment. Whether we’re a parent, a spouse or a child, it is so important to focus fully on the people in our lives when we’re with them.  I’m sure if we didn’t change it, it would affect our relationships with our loved ones. And not to forget how mentally draining it is for our brains. Sitting with someone, talking to someone else, not being able to enjoy what you’re doing because your mind is just never there.

I wonder how our kids that grow up watching us and our devices that keep us connected to everything will be like when their time comes. Just how we wanted to be different from our parents generation in many ways, maybe after seeing us, they will want it different too. They will want their lives back, their privacy and to live in the moment more. They wont want to give the divided attention they got from their parents.

SOME IDEAS TO DISCONNECT

1: Keeping a gadget free zone in your house, for example your living area, or your kitchen where your family gathers at the end of the day. Alternatively you could also do gadget free hours, e.g: 7 to 9 pm

2: No phones on the dining table or at mealtimes.

3: Keeping an internet detox day for the whole family. I tried doing this every Sunday and it was harder for me than I'd like to admit.

4: Removing your phone from your bedside, so it is not the first thing you do when you wake up. Instead give your brain the space to think and thank God when you wake up, before you immerse yourself in the routines of the day.

Do you  have any thoughts to share? Would love to hear. Thanks for reading and lots of love.

Best of both worlds.

My husband and I come from families with very similar values on the important things but in some ways very different family lifestyles. Even though, we were both born and raised in Pakistan, on some levels we grew up in complete different cultures. In some ways the adjustment becomes a little harder if you let it but after spending time with each others' families, we have seen the beauty that exists in how things work at each home. And we have grown to love and respect both ways of life.

One usually thinks of difference as a bad thing. In our relationships, we look for similarities and think we bond more with those that are our type. I have always believed the same, that it is easier for us to relate to those that are more like us and as a result we bond better with them. But lately I am realizing that we have so much to learn from each other, and what we think of as difference, is just another chance for us to learn from each other. No one way is the best way and being around people a little different from us shows that to us.

For instance,I would love our home to be a place of open discussions on religion/politics/history, the way I have seen at my husband’s parents’ home, and I would love it to be a place where love is showered and expressed frequently like at my parents’ home. I would love it to be a place where faith plays such a big part in your daily routine the way I see my mother-in-law doing and I would love it to be a place where traditions and celebrations are important and making time for your family is the biggest priority like I have learned from my mom.  

Each family has strengths of its own that it takes pride in, and we get married we bring a subset of these values to our own homes. If we each brought the best of our parents' homes into our own homes, wouldn't our houses be so much richer? It is also a way to continue their legacy and to give our kids more respect for their loved ones and to give them the best of two worlds.

What pieces of life at your and your husband’s parents’ homes would you love to bring into your own home?

Your words will guide me.

My dad wrote me this email. I was returning from Pakistan after attending my sister’s wedding. Because of some visa issues I had to return the very next morning after the Valima¹ and I left the event early to pack for my flight the next morning. I had a huge lump in my throat throughout. It had been an emotional and stressful couple of months because of my dad’s sudden job loss because of the government change in Pakistan, planning my sister’s wedding in Islamabad while living in Karachi² and just the emotional baggage that comes with a wedding, and just the Pakistani summer heat that makes everything harder.

Just a few hours after Papa and Mama dropped me at the airport the next morning (and a painful goodbye as always. I am terrible at airports!),  I stood at the public internet terminals at the Dubai airport and read the words that will stay with me forever. I still don’t know when he found the time to write the email in all that pre and post wedding chaos. I stood in the middle of the airport, reading Papa’s words as tears just flowed. Like most dads mine was also not very expressive but he had the gift of words and whenever he did express his love for us, it went straight to the heart. What I didn’t know then was how much more this email would mean to me a few years down the road!

Three and a half years later, when I returned from Pakistan after Papa passed away, the first thing I did was print that email and put it up on my refrigerator where I could see it all the time. Reading it in those early days felt like he was talking to me, and it gave me motivation to go on. It guided me through those painful early months. It is so amazing the impact of our words. When we write them we don’t really know the places they will reach and the time barriers they will cross. Even when my father isn’t there, the words he wrote remain. Every time it is feeling especially hard to get through the realization in my head that I cant talk to him, I read these words and I feel peace in my heart. It is like he is talking to me, it is like he knows, he understands how hard it has been, and in a strange way, he is guiding me on how to get through this.

Though he wrote them years before he passed away, it seems like they were written for right now, for this time for our fears and tears, and the struggles we face today. Papa you were and always will remain our hero and our guide. Thank you for everything. May you always be in God’s best care. Ameen.

Thanks for reading and stopping by.

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FYI

¹Valima is translated as a marriage feast and the second of the two traditional parts of an Islamic wedding and its arranged by the groom’s family.

²Islamabad, the capital, and Karachi, the largest city, are almost 1000 miles apart in distance and are very different cities in their own ways.

Keeping it real.

I know I usually like to talk on the blog about happy and inspiring things, but as much as I wish our lives were always like that, I know that is not really possible. Those days are inevitable for a mommy, when it all gets too overwhelming and you’re just plain tired and have no stamina whatsoever for anything and specially for toddler tantrums. This past week was like that. Between trying to manage the home and food and laundry, and making time for my family across the world, trying to keep Anya involved and happy, trying to catch up on editing and blogging with a toddler going mama, mama, mama non-stop, I was just beyond overwhelmed by the end of more days than I’d like to admit. Things seemed out of control and in trying to get everything to be perfect, nothing was even close to that. I could barely keep my head up by the end of the day, and had no stamina for Anya’s longer by the day bedtimes. Patience is not one of my best traits and in my frustrated and overwhelmed mode, I am more prone to losing my temper and yelling at Anya over our daily struggles. And that leads to guilt and even more frustration. Not a good cycle to get stuck in.

The thing is I am partly to blame. I want to organize my days better. I want to learn to let go of some things. I want to sleep better. I want to enjoy the moment more and live in the present. I guess it is all a balancing act, some days we may seem like we have it all under control, but then days like these remind us that we don’t in fact. It is good to reevaluate and realize what is working for you and what is not. Hopefully that is the first step to some welcome changes. To all the moms reading this (including all the moms in my life, specially my own mom), whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, a work-from-home mom or a working mom. You are awesome, and my respect for you grows as my baby grows.

Anya wears: Dress from Target (A gift from a sweet friend of mine), Tights from Carters, Sneakers from Target, Hair Bow from Claire's

Mama wears: T Shirt from Urban Outfitters (also worn here), Dress from Old Navy, Scarf from Charlotte Russe, Pumps from Target.

Thanks for reading.

To Peace and all the lives lost.

Just like most others, I remember exactly where I was on that September 11th, 12 years ago. At our house in Islamabad, my family was busy with our own evening routines. Our TV was not working so we had no idea until my grandfather called up and told us we needed to watch the news. As we huddled up in front of the little TV in our parents bedroom, watching the towers come down and the events that followed in shock. In that moment, I think we did not realize the enormity of what had happened and how much that incident will change this world we live in. But truly, in the instant that it happened, it all changed, even for us that lived right across the world from where the towers were hit. I had recently started my first year of university and was usually the last person to be interested in politics or news stories but suddenly these were main topics of discussion even in our lectures.

As I remember that day, I am praying for the lives that were lost that morning, and the millions that have lost their lives as a result of that day since then. In the wars, in the drone attacks, in hate crimes, in the terror attacks in Pakistan, Iraq, Afghanistan, UK, US and just all over the world. And while this day was terrible, I wish that it had brought the world closer and not more fearful of each other. I wish that we had learned from it, that instead of responding with hate for each other, we had only tried to understand and open our hearts.

But it did open a dialogue, it opened our eyes to a world beyond our own. For those in the west, it showed how their governments’ involvement in other countries across the world, can affect their own world. It showed us Muslims how terror has found a place within us and that it needs thought and action on our part to change things. Those of us living alongside other religions have the additional responsibility now to live better and negate what these fundamentalists are depicting Islam to be, to learn more about our own religion, and to be able to answer questions that people around us have.

The sad part is this. 12 years later terrorism continues to grow despite the efforts done to counter it. How much longer will this work? How many more wars, how many security lapses will it take for us to change the way we fight it? Because whether we are able to see it or not, we are further away from a safer world than we were before 9-11. It is easy to point fingers and attack. It is harder to evaluate our own selves and our actions. But maybe it is time for just that. If for nothing else but for our kids and a better world for them.

Source: Unknown.

I want to share what Kelle Hampton wrote a few years ago,

“Something happened between that fateful day ten years ago and today's memorial that has changed the way I look at the events and effects of September 11. I had children. And everything--everything seems to matter so much more. I don't know how to make sense of it all, and it's difficult to weigh the importance of the safety of our children and our country with the greater principle of changing the world to a place of compassion and peace. I've shielded Lainey's eyes this week from the memorable images of that day--protecting her from things her little 4-year-old mind doesn't need to know quite yet. And yet I want her to know someday because it's important.

And what will I tell her? I don't know. I hope that her world and the world of her children will be so much better than ours. And when my mind stretches and trails off dangerously to a future that overwhelms me, I rein it in to the comfortable, focused task of today. You teach compassion and love. You live compassion and love. I can handle that today.”

Thanks for reading.

Baby be kind.

I often wonder, as we try to teach our kids to say please and sorry and thank you, do we model what these words are supposed to mean? Please, Thank You, Excuse Me, Sorry – simple small words, but they signify much more than what it seems. As we teach them good manners, I think we forget that what we are trying to teach is much bigger than that. Aren’t these words to show we care and to show our concern? And are we living our lives so that they learn these traits from us?

 Because truly how can we raise kinder kids till we ourselves learn the lessons we are trying to teach them? Don’t we need to open our hearts to people, be kinder in our relationships? Don’t we need to make more time for those we care for? Don’t we need to be more empathic to those around us, don’t we need to feel their pain, to understand them better? Don’t we need to change our focus, to place more value on the insides than the outsides? Don’t we need to do more for the unfortunate around us? 

We might be saying Thank you and Please but more than that we need to raise kids that understand the need for these words. Lets go deeper. Because more than well mannered kids, the world needs kinder kids. And the best way to teach our kids, is to live. To be the example.

Just something on my mind that I wanted to write down.

Thanks for reading.

On troubled times, fear and hope.

It feels like I’m doing these posts almost every week. Just a few days ago this happened and then yesterday a tragedy of another kind back in Pakistan. Tourists were targeted and killed in an area thought to be much safer than the rest, and known to be one of the most beautiful in the country. My heart goes out to those that lost their loved ones. It is heartbreakingly sad. This attack reminded me what is even more disturbing. How accustomed we from Pakistan have become to such tragedies. Back in Pakistan since 2001, some estimates suggest that over 35000 people have died in terrorist attacks of different natures. These have happened in all types of places from shopping markets, mosques, schools, buses, airports, even hospitals. The Pakistan I left behind when I moved to the States has completely changed now.

Just the other day a friend of mine who is going to be visiting Pakistan later this year, asked me if I feel scared while I’m there, specially now that I have a baby. And it went straight to my heart, because of course I get scared, but then, I have been scared since I moved away. Because in the seven years that I have lived here in the States, security situations in Pakistan have gotten worse every passing day. I have been scared for my family and loved ones who live there through it all.

Sadly, I am also familiar with the feeling of it becoming so normal that you hear the news about an attack, you ask where it happened, the casualties, make sure you don’t have any loved ones close to that, and then you go on doing what you were doing. That is how often these attacks take place. My family lived just a couple of miles away from the attempted assassination on Benazir Bhutto in Karachi that killed more than a hundred people. My mom and sister were having coffee in Islamabad where just outside Salman Taseer was assassinated by his own security guard. They heard it all, hid under tables as it happened outside. Writing these things, just reminds me again how panicked I can get if I let my mind go down this path. Of course I am scared.

But there life goes on, and what looks so scary from here is just every day life there. The endless security checks on the roads, outside shopping malls, offices etc. is just daily business. Of course, there are those sudden moments of gripping fear, when you’re at an airport surrounded by people, or in blocked traffic with endless cars all around, or you’re in a shop and there are people everywhere, and suddenly you glance around, at the faces around you and fear that one of them could be them. Some times you just cant stand there anymore, and as fast as possible, you try to put as much distance between yourself and anyone that looks suspicious, other times you tell yourself if it is going to happen there isn’t much you can do, that our lives are predetermined and you try to ignore these dark fears.

In Pakistan, to survive, sometimes you just leave it to Allah. You decide that you cant stop living, you cant stop going to work or school, you cant stop shopping, you cant stop going out, you cant stop hanging out with your friends. You cant put your lives on hold, because of this fear. Because to do that, would mean that these deranged people would win, and Pakistanis wont let them. So everyday they will pick up the pieces of their broken hearts, take a deep breath, hide their deepest fears, put on their brave face, and step out. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

It is scary, to have the ones you love the most, so close to horrific tragedies like these. It is scary when you visit them with your baby, but millions of babies and kids will spend each day of their lives there. Human life is precious, whether it is theirs or ours. I wont stop going back to see my family, my husband’s family, because they live there, and a piece of our heart is with them even when we are safe oceans away. I wont stop going to Pakistan, because millions there deserve a better/safer world too and I will believe and hope alongside them. Hope for a better peaceful day for Pakistan and the rest of the world.



Pictures taken by my sister, Waliya Najib.

But at the same time I have come to realize something. I will continue to pray that each one of us, in the words we say, in the things we pass on to our kids, in how we try to empathize and understand will try to break this cycle of violence. That those in power, will try to figure out another way to deal with this violence. Because is there really an end to this, this killing on both sides? Our kids deserve better. Let us all figure out another way. There has to be, this has to stop. 

Thanks for reading.

Baby, I will love you for who you are.

Kelle Hampton wrote this a few days ago, ‘I've learned a lot this year about letting my kid be exactly who she is.  No more "don't be shy"s.  Just "be you."  And if shy is you, then be gloriously, wonderfully shy.  And I will love you.  Your shyness, your hesitancy, your intently focused little face.  I will love you for who you are.’ And it reminded me of my daughter. I see this in my daughter a lot as we go out and interact more with the world. My baby has such a bold personality at home, loves people, loves talking and being the center of attention. But outside sometimes, in new situations, or in social interactions with unfamiliar people, she acts completely different. She will cling to me, whine constantly and be just completely moody.

And usually I let her be. I’ll say Hi for her instead, and just try to include her but respect how she feels. Because my husband is quite a bit of an introvert, just recently when I see her personality transforming as soon as we are around people, I see him in her. And I’m okay with that. Of course, she is a piece of both of us, she will take things from both of us. Being shy and quiet and taking your time with people is not a bad thing at all. In fact it might be a good thing even.



But as moms, we are inherently competitive, noticing what our kids are doing/not doing compared to others around them. And that can make us push our kids sometimes, to be what they truly are not, to give them the message that they need to be a particular way to be accepted. Recently I have noticed myself doing exactly that sometimes, mostly because I feel that this world is kinder to those that are able to express themselves more around people, and of course as a mom I would want my daughter to be accepted and loved. But reading what Kelle Hampton wrote above, reinforced what my heart had been telling me. 

It is perfectly okay for our babies to be who they are. Its perfectly okay for you to be shy, my baby girl.

I will keep encouraging her to be polite and smile and reach out for people but I will accept what comes naturally to her. I will let her be. I will accept the way she is and just love her for that. Because whoever she is, she is beautiful. She is my baby. And I want her to know that, always!



Pictures from an evening in Fatima Jinnah Park in Islamabad, Pakistan in November 2012. Of course taken by my fabulous sister, Waliya.

Thanks for reading and for stopping by!

What I learned from my father

Happy Fathers day to you, your daddy and, if you have kids – the daddy of your beautiful babies. Very early on in our lives, our fathers become our first heroes and for us girls it is hard not to compare any man that comes into our lives to our first hero.

As I watch my husband with our daughter and this beginning of a beautiful lifelong relationship inshAllah, I think of my dad a lot, and all the things that made up one of the most beautiful childhoods one could’ve asked for. Our fathers are special to us and so was ours. He was the one that had our back always. Whatever came our way, this world never felt unsafe, because of course we had Papa, and he was always just a phone call away. He was the one that believed in us, always. He was the one that wanted us to dream bigger and higher always. In a country where many consider it unfortunate to have only daughters, he treated us like we were better than any sons and always told us that there was nothing we couldn’t do. Without him, today, it actually feels like we lost a part of our backbone and our support. Life changed forever in the instant that he left. 

On this father’s day I just wanted to remember all the things that were a part of him and all the things that he passed on to us. Whether he is with us or not, he lives through us in the many pieces of him that are within us, our thoughts and our personalities.

Papa, this one’s for you.

Things I hope to learn/have learned from my father.

 

1. Hard work and dedication. My dad was the hardest working person I have ever known. Through example he taught us that when you do your job, do it with purpose, with your whole heart, without worrying if it will pay off or not. He taught us to go the extra mile. I especially remember his dedication to any task he was on. I remember the many nights he’d be working on presentations or his speeches till late, making sure they were as close to perfect as could be. Before my sister’s wedding, we were making this video for her and all of us hurriedly wrote a few words for her, but I remember when I went to Papa, he took his time. He wrote a rough draft first and then came up with the most beautiful tribute ever. That was just how he was.
2. Responsibility and dependability. He was the kind of person one could depend on always. Not just as a dad, but whenever anyone needed any kind of help from him, they knew he’d go out of his way. And as a dad, I remember how every night he would check all the doors, I remember how if we had to travel alone, he would even print out maps of the transit airports for us so we don’t get lost, I remember how he’d tell us that he had insured our educations so incase something happened to him we’d be able to continue. Being from humble backgrounds and making ends meet on a limited government pay, he managed his finances such that he’d be able to give us the best educations available and save enough money to build the house he wanted for our family.  
3. Raising daughters. Being from Pakistan, where many still believe it a bad omen to not have sons, he never let us feel any less. He instilled in us the importance of a good education and always motivated us to be our best possible selves, educationally and professionally. He believed in us and kept telling us we could do whatever we put our mind to. I remember how excited he was, when the Pakistan Air Force starting including girls as engineers and pilots, because he truly believed women can do anything.
4. Driving. My mom always said he was one of the best drivers around and he I don’t remember him losing his temper much while he was teaching us. I especially remember how he had more confidence in us than ourselves, stopping the car in crowded Karachi streets and telling us to take the wheel. Despite our reluctance, he would always insist we can do it. When I drive now, his voice is in my head continuously, as I remember the little things he taught me. Papa also insisted how important it was to know what’s under the hood too. He taught us basic things like being able to check oil life, pointing out the parts under the hood, even changing the tyres. I was going to take more lessons from Papa on my next trip and we had talked about it on the phone, but that could never happen.
5. DIYs. My dad loved fixing things, cars, computers, electronics/appliances etc. He was an engineer at heart and despite his busy schedule would find time to attempt to fix many of these things on his own. He’d always try to involve us in the process, explain the workings, what he was doing etc. I remember so many weekend mornings where he would be in his overalls, surrounded by his tools and busy fixing one thing or the other.  
6. Importance of routine. All of his forces life, Papa had a regular routine that he followed. He was particular about what he ate, about exercising, about sleeping on time. He used to be the first one up in our house. Before he went to bed, I remember his knock on our doors, asking us what time we had to leave the next day, and suggesting we sleep on time, before he said good night, hugged us and went to his room. A proper routine gave him a way to include much more in his days.
7. Sports and Health. He loved his sports and all my life I saw him involved in one or another. From Squash in his younger days, to Tennis and lately Golf. I remember how much he’d encourage us to get involved in some sport too. I remember how on one of his trips to the US,  he brought us tennis racquets instead of the usual things that people would bring. He was so proud of my sister, Nadiya, because she took his love for tennis and was a great player herself. He and both my sisters loved watching tennis together on TV. He also loved his morning walks and I remember when I had sinus headaches he told me that the fresh morning air helps. I started going with him in the mornings and he was right, within a few days the headaches were gone. Even now, I think of his advice when I start getting headaches.
8. A principled life. In Pakistan, where everyone tries to find a way around the law, Papa would refuse to let us use the cars he would get for his official use, even though everyone around us would be coming to school in them. He would always follow what the rules said. When we complained he would tell us that just because others were doing something wrong, didn’t mean that we could too. He only let us use the cars and drivers that were given to him, when they were officially allowed.
9. Patience in adversity. I remember my dad as nothing but brave. Always. We saw him go through various hard times during his life, but never saw him give up or lose hope. He was always ready to fight. During his last two months, in the terrible condition that he was, I never heard him complaining or losing hope. He still tried to joke, love us and still kept asking us how we were.  
10. Photography. Even though he didn't officially teach us but he truly inspired us. The way he and my mom together recorded our childhoods, the pictures he took, the creative videos he used to make, inspire me today as I record my baby girl’s childhood. He bought his first video camera when I was a little baby, and loved experimenting, trying out new edits etc. Some of the video projects he did are still famous amongst his friends. 
11. Organizing. Papa was one of the most organized people I have seen. He had a file system for literally everything. Now when we look at it, it is amazing, how he took time to label everything, make separate files for all kind of things, and that is why he was able to manage everything so well.  As we move on and settle in our own lives, we take these lessons with us and try to apply them in our own homes. Besides these physical filing, he was an expert at databases. He used to tell us how he uses Lotus to organize all types of important records. It was one of those things that I wanted to learn in detail from him so I can use it for our home, but didn’t get that chance in the end.
12. Moderation and Balance. Papa had travelled all around the world and had many friends from different countries/religions during this time. He was regular with his prayers, patriotic but a true modern man in his views and would never impose his opinions or disrespect others’. He was able to maintain the perfect balance.  

And there is so much more besides this list, because the little things we learn from our daddies are endless and this is just a little attempt to summarize the important ones. What have you learned from your father?

Hope you celebrated your daddy today, and if yours has gone to that better world, pray extra hard for him and celebrate the memory of him. He is proud of you, know that.

Thank you for reading and for stopping by.

Go here to see the things I have learned from my mother, that I shared earlier on Mothers Day.

Moments of impact

If you have had those moments when life has felt like a struggle, when it has felt like you are fighting against the tide, when you have questioned your existence and everything around. If you have had a moment that has defined your life and broken into your core. If you have had a big or small moment of impact that has formed the before and after of your life, this one is for you.

I believe that these moments happen for a reason, these moments happen to remind us of the reality of this world. These moments are supposed to teach us something. I also believe that if these moments of impact don't change us in a better way, if they don’t make us look at life differently, if we’re not forced to analyze ourselves and our lives, then we wasted these moments. Then, they did nothing to us and our lives and its just like they didn't happen. Its like these moments went to waste.

These moments of impact, whether you lost a loved one, an important relationship or a career, or suffered any other kind of unexpected circumstance or situation, will only make sense if you learn from it. If you don’t just forget and try to move on, but instead become a better person because of it. Think of it as a little check from God, to redirect your path.

Because only then, these losses, these moments of impact, will have happened for a reason and not just in vain.

Just a random thought I felt like sharing this morning. Wishing you a lovely day.

Thanks for stopping by!

Here’s to friendships and the nights that turned into mornings

Over the weekend, an old friend of mine visited with her family and it was as amazing as I had hoped it would be. We only had a night together but we made the most of it. We talked all night, about the good old days and the rest of our friends, about motherhood and the challenges we face, about careers and dreams, about celebrating the lives of the loved ones we lost - my father and her grandfather, about marriage and how to make sure we don’t take our husbands for granted, about politics, about life in the States and Canada (where she is from) and Pakistan, about our favorite TV shows and dramas¹. And I don’t think there was one moment of silence in those 5-6 hours of the night we got to ourselves.

We were meeting after a gap of almost 7 years (except when she came to see me and my family when my father passed away, which I will never ever forget) and it felt like nothing had changed and we were the same girls from our university days. We were the same girls that listened to EP and Atif Aslam² in our car on the almost hour long commute, over and over again. We were the same girls that spent those long nights studying and doing projects together. We were the same girls that kept each other’s secrets. We were the same girls that planned our weddings together, that went wedding shopping together, that danced at each others weddings. We were the same. Now married and moms of little ones, but still the same. In completely different places in our lives, but together we were still the same. And that is the beauty of old friends, how you can start exactly where you left off and time just seems to have stopped.

Meeting her just reinforced what I have learned through losing. That it is so important to invest in our friendships, to make time for our friends however busy our lives might get, to show them that they’re important to us and that we love them, to forgive them also when they break our hearts. I have come to believe, that if we don’t make time for them in good days, they wont be there for us in our bad days. And without these friends, this journey would be even harder. Without them our dark days would be even darker.
 



Our babies trying to be friends over cheerios.

Let us not forget to take time out for our friends.


Thank you Sahrash for your visit and for giving Anya her first camera:)

Thanks for stopping by!

FYI: ^1.Pakistani television serials are commonly called dramas and followed by many of us all over. The beautiful stories, acting and direction lately has made them increasingly popular in the last few years.  ^2. EP or Entity Paradigm was a rock band that made thought provoking songs and we were one of the few girls that followed the band:D and Atif Aslam is a world renowned singer from Pakistan.

And this is why I take pictures

A little while ago, I was asked to give an interview for a Pakistan based website, Le Spectra, you can read it here. This was the first type of interview I have ever given and I had a great time answering the questions. It was also good to be able to think and express in words, what photography means to me. This post is a continuation of that thought process.

I take pictures because my pictures tell my story.

I take pictures because when seen through that viewfinder, the ordinary is beautiful, everything is magical.

I take pictures because I know the magic of having your childhood captured to the minutest of details and I want to pass on that gift that my parents gave to me, to my kids too. I want my daughter to be able to look at herself through my eyes.

I take pictures because it is a connection between us and our families that live far away. Though not here in person, they’re able to enjoy Anya’s growth with us.

I take pictures because this world we live in, is breathtaking, and sometimes we forget to notice.

I take pictures because our memories can get clouded and I want to remember the little details that make up our lives right now.

I take pictures because this life is uncertain, it can change in the blink of an eye and photography helps us keep a piece of it even when bits of our lives are taken away.

I take pictures because happy people are beautiful, crooked smiles are pretty, relationships are magical, and because I believe there is beauty in imperfection.

I take pictures because sometimes silence speaks much louder than words, and pictures have a way of doing that, of speaking without words.

I take pictures because it challenges you sometimes to look at the same thing with a different eye, and that is something we all need more of in our lives.

I take pictures because I want to tell stories, my own, peoples’. Because our stories need to be told.

Pictures taken by my talented sister Waliya during my visit to Pakistan. The vintage beauties were borrowed by a sweet friend, Maha, who is a lucky girl. I wish I could keep each one of these!

Hope your weekend was lovely. Thanks for stopping by!

Sometimes.

Sometimes when I look at all the injustices that surround us, when I think of how unfair this world can be, when I see good people go bad, when I see the cruelty that can hide inside a person, when I see insensitivity and people taking advantage of the weak.

Sometimes when I see men treating women like they own them , in cultures that flaunt their egos, and when I see women being objectified in the name of feminism in other places - I worry about raising a daughter and all that she and us, her parents, might have to face.

And then I think of the hereafter and the God that mentions time and again how justice will prevail on that day when we all are gathered.

‘And whoever does righteous deeds, whether male or female, while being a believer - those will enter Paradise and will not be wronged, [even as much as] the speck on a date seed.’ -Quran 4:124

‘And the earth will shine with the light of its Lord, and the record [of deeds] will be placed, and the prophets and the witnesses will be brought, and it will be judged between them in truth, and they will not be wronged.’ –Quran 39:69

And I find peace in the fact that whatever life brings, the unfair and the unjust can not prevail forever, and that this life is temporary and we all have to return to the God above us who is always watching, and who knows us and our intentions better than anyone ever could.

I will teach my baby to be the best she can be, I will teach her to be kind, to respect herself and others, to not be afraid to speak the truth, even when no one around her is doing that, to believe in the difference between right and wrong and to be the person that God intended her to be. But that when life and people seem to be unfair, to remember, that this life was never intended to be perfect. There will be injustice, there will be cruelty, not everyone will be with you when you need them to be, and some days all we can do is depend on our God and the day when the truth will finally be revealed.

Thanks for reading and for stopping by!

The big 3-0 and a birthday photo shoot

,

I wrote the following on my birthday.

And it is here, the birthday I have been dreading the last few ones. I am 30. Sitting here as the clock turns past 12. Rocking my baby back to sleep, after she just woke up a couple hours after I put her to bed. Her silky black hair slightly damp from her bath, her hand clutching on tight around my neck so I don’t leave her, her baby face on my chest with that sweet little mouth a tad bit open. And I think about what it means to leave the 20's behind and enter this new decade of my life.

In a weird way, I always feared this birthday, but as it settles in, I am realizing, I am blessed. The past few years have taught me so much about priorities and life, and I'm so thankful for the lessons. The 20's started with me being in university, confused about my career path, about what I wanted from life, about myself and just life I guess. I got married, I moved countries, I had a baby, I lost my dad, I learned how important family and friends are, and I had to reevaluate all I knew about life.

And as the 20's end now, I am inspired, to be better, to live better, to write, to create, to inspire, to make good of this life, to grow, to learn, to tell my story, to listen to people's stories. I am just inspired to live this life. I am thankful and in a good place, MA. And despite what my sisters keep calling me:p, I really don’t feel old. I feel more confident than ever before, from the way I dress to what I believe in, I have never felt this comfortable in my skin before. I am true to myself, to my values, and for the most part, I am who I want myself to be. 

I have learned the importance of family and mine will always remain my first priority. I have learned that the only unconditional love is the love your parents have for you. I have learned that it is important to tell our loved ones that we love them, or it might be too late. I am learning that it is important to invest in your friendships, even when life seems too busy even for a phone call. I am learning that imperfection is beautiful. I am learning that being right at the cost of your relationships is never the better option. I am learning that it is easy to judge but so important to keep an open heart and mind. I am learning that kindness is really a virtue and something that we need to focus a lot on. I am learning that people will hurt you and sometimes to move on we really have to forgive.

I also think of 30 years ago, the day I entered this world and changed my parents status from a couple to a family, and all that they have done for me. I pray for them who dedicated their lives to me and my sisters. This day is not about me, it is actually about them, my mom who bore me through the worst of pains, and went on to dedicate her whole life to us and my dad who spent his life working to give me and my sisters better futures and who in an email to me wrote how if he was to be called Abu Nataliya (Arabic traditions to be named after your first born), 'it would be the most beautiful title I would adorn'. May Allah bless them always, and reward them multi folds for everything they did, for any little good that I have ever done or ever do, comes from them and what they taught me and continue to teach me. Without my mama and papa, for my parents, I would just not be the same. As you read this, please say a little prayer for my parents.

Thank you for all the sweet messages and love for my birthday.

This birthday deserved a little photo shoot celebration:)

Thank you so much for reading and for stopping by.

PS: I know some of my friends are going to laughing at me as they read this. Because they knew how scared I was of turning 30;)