On embracing your roots

When we’re raising a child in a country like America, having been raised in a developing country ourselves,  sometimes when we see the political and social turmoil going on in our birth country, we might feel like distancing ourselves and our children from there. Or at the least, we might feel embarrassed to be connected to a country which has such a negative media image. And if WE feel like that we will most probably pass this on to our kids. Even if most of our kids won’t consider Pakistan THEIR country, still, they will forever be connected to it through us. And I feel its important to develop a confidence and a sense of pride in them about their roots. Just like being from a well-knit and stable home gives you a strong base, so does knowing that the culture and country your family belongs to has so much good about it, even if others might think otherwise. And it actually is true, the best thing about being multicultural is being able to see the best of two worlds. No country/culture really is good or bad, some might have more challenges but there is good in each way of life. Whatever we might do or become, most of us will be connected to the lands we come from in more ways than one. And it would be awesome if our kids thought of their multicultural childhood as an advantage.

Some simple ideas for giving our kids a good connection to their roots are

- Teach them to appreciate the language, whether they speak it or only understand it. Expose them to it as much as you can and as they grow older explain to them what a great advantage it is to be bilingual¹

- Telling them about the little things that you miss about back home and why.

- Telling them stories of your childhood and the places you lived.

- When you travel back to visit family, make sure you don’t just get busy shopping and eating and meeting your loved ones, make time to explore local sites around you.

- Introduce them to music, and don’t forget to include local/folk songs. I personally love music and there is such charm in those traditional tunes and dances. You Tube is a great resource for these. 

- Tell them stories of inspiring people from the country. (It will be a great reason for you to collect these stories, because unfortunately most of the news out from Pakistan at least is negative. This is one of the reasons why I have a board on Pinterest where I collect them. Link is below²)

- And as they grow older, you can also talk to them about the challenges the country faces, and why. And the things some of the people are doing to help their country. 

Do you have any other ideas on giving your children an appreciation of their roots? Would love to know.

Thanks for reading and lots of love.

The photos are from August 14th, Pakistan’s Independence day, when I put out reminders of our roots around our house to celebrate.

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1 A previous post on raising a bilingual kid and here’s another one with Urdu specific resources.

² Here’s a link to my Pinterest board where I collect positive stories out of Pakistan.

On trying to raise a bilingual kid. Part 1

Many around me have commented on Anya's Urdu (our native language from Pakistan) and I wanted to share my thoughts on raising a bilingual child. We are still in the beginning of this journey but I hope that she continues to learn Urdu alongside English. And for that will continue to find ways to encourage her. This post is a collection of ideas that we have tried to incorporate.

Even before Anya was born, my husband and I knew that we wanted Anya to be comfortable in understanding and also speaking Urdu. I think I didn't really value our first language till I got married and moved away from Pakistan. Most of urban Pakistan speaks a mix of Urdu and English and English is pretty much the language in school and offices. As a result Urdu seems to lose its importance. Only when I married my husband (Almost all of his immediate family speaks and writes beautiful Urdu) and moved away from Pakistan, did I start to value it and realize how a language contains in itself the essence of a culture.

Growing up in Pakistan you take it for granted but when raising kids abroad you realize how easily kids can get disconnected from their parents language and in extension, their parents/grandparents culture and even their extended family (many grandparents are not as comfortable in English as in their mother language) etc. Because Anya is always going to be connected to Pakistan because of us and her extended family, it is important for us that she understands and speaks the language. I was also inspired by the many families around us whose kids speak beautiful Urdu alongside their American English. And besides all of it, it is a great skill, to know more than one language and our kids are lucky to be growing up in multilingual households. Only when we consider this an advantage and focus on it will we be able to pass on this gift to our kids.

Here are some things I am trying to do to encourage her to learn our native tongue alongside English.

 

- If you are passionate about keeping your kids connected to your native language, I would recommend reading these two books. The Bilingual Edge and The Bilingual Family are both really useful resources for bilingual families. Both these books address important topics like understanding early language learning, age appropriate tips for teaching a second language, and also addresses common misconceptions that discourage parents (like not wanting to ‘confuse kids’ with two languages, which apparently is a myth).

- Ever since she was a baby, we tried to talk to Anya mostly in Urdu so it was the first language she heard. And as she started speaking words, we tried to teach her Urdu words for as many things as possible. I knew that she would eventually learn English whether we focused on that or not but she would have a hard time learning Urdu at a later stage. Babies and young toddlers listen so intently and if they're exposed to a language from the start, I think it helps a lot. This does not mean that we avoided all English, we just tried to expose her to Urdu as much as English I'd say. I am so glad I did that because I'd say around 2.5 years even though she doesn't go to preschool, just through cartoons and noticing that English is the main language of interaction outside the house, she started switching to mostly English. I usually encourage her to say the same thing in Urdu by repeating it for her. Right now she knows the Urdu and English words for most items and I don’t see her getting confused because of that at all.

- Songs/Stories/Music. Young kids learn best through music so you can start playing poems and songs in the language from an early age. Thanks to the universality of YouTube, these are more and more accessible now. I have a playlist with poems/songs in Urdu that she enjoys and play them for her at random times. Most popular poems have translations in local languages and kids will particularly enjoy them. At bedtimes sometimes I hum my favorite Urdu songs for her as well as some lullabies in Urdu that my mom used to sing to us. You can also tell stories in the second language, and even make your own. Include their favorite characters and friends names to capture interest. The aim is to make the language fun for them so they will pick up the words easily.

- Many families suggest making a family rule that everyone speaks the native language at home. And as Anya grows and starts school, I think we will move towards that too with Urdu becoming our main home language.

- Hanging out with people that speak the same language can give kids the feeling of community and helps them use the language with people outside their family. We are so lucky to have Urdu-speaking friends and because we meet with them on a regular basis, the kids get to see us interacting in Urdu. We also Skype with family in Pakistan who interact with her in Urdu and I specially noticed a push in her Urdu after our trip to Pakistan when she was a little short of 2. America is so multicultural and more often than not you will find at least some people that speak the same language as you and meeting with such families from time to time can help your kids too. Even attending concerts/plays or any events where that language will be spoken will also help.

- TV. Look for TV programs for kids in the language. I found two resources (more on that later) that I really liked and introduced to Anya from the time that she was a year old. They’re two of her favorite things to watch now. Many times she will say a word she has picked up and take me by surprise. Other than making them familiar with the language, watching these shows will also help them connect with and later on understand the culture of their parents. Even programs not necessarily targeted for kids but family friendly enough to watch with kids around can be helpful. I watch a lot of Pakistani dramas and look forward to the day when my daughter is old enough to watch some of them with me. A family friend enjoys watching them with her 19 year old daughter and it has been great for her Urdu while at the same time reconnects her to the culture of her parents and understands some of the things better.

- Books. Kids enjoy books and I think it would help immensely if you’re able to find attractive books in the language that they enjoy as much as the English ones. Anya loves her books so I have been on the lookout for books in Urdu from the beginning. I have to admit, it has been hard finding quality Urdu books and some of the best we have today have been passed on by her cousins or gifted from sweet people. We do have a growing little collection by now though and quite enjoy reading them over and over again.

Check back later for another post with some Urdu specific resources.

Thanks so much for reading and much love. If you are raising a bilingual kid and have some tips to share, I would to hear them in the comments :)

Finding hope in times of grief.

picture by my sister, Waliya.

I can't begin to thank you enough for all the comments received when I shared the story about losing my daddy here last year. My sister and I have received messages from countless people who shared their own stories of loss. Some said they understood the pain, some asked for advice on dealing with their own tragedies. I wanted to share some of the things that gave strength and hope through our grief specially in the first year. 

When we go through a tragic time in our life and once the realization has set in, you need some kind of motivation to go on. You need some hope that you're not alone and that your heart will feel less broken someday. Here are some of the things that helped heal my broken heart a little bit at a time.

Faith

'To Him we belong and to Him is our final return' just said it all for me. And just reading these words makes it easier every time just like so many other verses from the Quran. They just put it all in perspective. That this life is not all we are striving for and we all must go one day, it's not such a big surprise is it! As well as knowing that God is all powerful and knows what is in the hearts of people, He knows cruelty, He is more fair than anything else, and the ones that have continuously tried to hurt us after Papa, thinking we are helpless, Allah knows.

Having faith that even when we doubt being able to smile or laugh again, Papa will want us to be happy and that he in in a much better place now iA. Believing that Papa will be proud of us knowing we stood on our feet and stood up for each other through this tragic time.

Believing that this had to happen, the way it happened, and when it happened and we could've done nothing to change even a small part of it. There will always be days when you go over it in your head, wishing for things to be different, but reminding yourself every time that it happened the way it was destined to. It breaks your heart a little less knowing that.

Family and Friends

taken by my sister, Waliya

My daughter was the biggest strength for me. And without her, I really don’t think I or my whole family would've been able to survive like we did. Babies have no idea of the enormity that has happened, and for them you have to continue to live. Just like you have to go on for the sake of your loved ones. We lost one of us, and it makes the rest of us that much more precious to each other. Anything can happen anytime and our families are our most important asset. With and for each other we slowly started smiling and laughing and finding strength because NO ONE understands this pain the way the four of us do.

I went through a phase where I found it hard to be around some of my friends. My relationship changed with some friends, and I made many new friends. Going through a tragedy is a hard time for your relationships. I had become a different person and my perspective on so many things just changed. I became more sensitive in certain ways. I tried to be around people that made me feel happy and tried to stay away from the ones that didn't understand my pain or expected me (or I got the feeling that they did) to just laugh and smile and be normal again. In retrospect, I have learned that loss and death is an uncomfortable subject for many people so talking to just anyone about it won't heal your heart.

I was also lucky to know friends that had experienced loss at some point in their lives and just being around them made me feel better and stronger. I talked about it here once. My network in Seattle helped me in many ways, the playdates, the coffee with friends, the normalcy of life despite it all, even though seemed pointless specially in those early days, made me get back to normal life little by little.

Music/Movies and Books

Songs I had listened to so many times before without feeling anything, made me weep like a crazy woman, because suddenly I felt like I could connect to them. Somewhere in that pain, it felt like I wasn't alone. So many people go through tragedies and it takes courage to put these into words, in art, in songs, in any kind of creative medium. And that inspired me or made it bittersweet. In some way it made it a little easier to feel the pain. Two favorites became, Without you by David Guetta and Pee Jaun by Farhan Ali Khan.

I read a lot of memoirs during this time, sad books, but all that spoke of hope and living through the challenges and tragedies that touch our lives. Some of my favorite became Two kisses for Maddy, Three weeks with my brother and The rules of inheritance.

I love reading inspiring words and have a collection of inspiring quotes on Good Reads and Pinterest, many of them bittersweet and sad, but inspiring at some level. Many of you follow my sister Waliya's page on Facebook where she combined many such beautiful sad words with her images to tell her story.

Writing, Art and Creativity

taken by Waliya

I got back to blogging in April of 2012, less than three months after my dad left. For me it became a place where I could find hope in that pain, share my thoughts and stories. All three of us sisters, have put our dad's life and the way he left us in words in one way or another. There is catharsis in writing and painting and art and in finding a way to express that pain. Waliya and I found a whole different meaning to our photography. We both chose to share our story with the people that followed our photography on Facebook and are immensely grateful for the love received through there.

For me, another thing that helped was keeping a little journal of my dad's memories. I find it heartbreaking that my dad wasn't able to experience being a grandfather, and that Anya will never know him. A friend gave me the idea to write down memories in a journal, and I try to jot down the most random-est of memories of my father. I can tell Anya all these little stories over the years about him, so even if she wont know him, she will know lots about him. And that makes me feel a little better.

Everyone’s recovery through grief is different and these are a few of the many things that have given me hope and strength. You also pass through different stages and each person’s journey is unique. If you have experienced tragedy and are struggling to stand up again, I hope some of this will give you some sort of encouragement.

Thanks for reading.